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Sep. 9th, 2012

choke

Ripped right through

The knife slices through the bullshit
   the lies
   the expectancy
   the idiocy
and reveals truth of oneself...
the kind of truth that you hate to learn about 
   but that you've felt has always been there.

I glorify the knife and lick the tip of the blade
   fashioned for such a brutal task
but cradled it like a prize, the babe of infamy,
swaddled in misunderstanding
   and used for horrible reasoning.

If it's validation you seek, careful what you ask for
   for I will cut you down with exactly what you 
crave...
Hold you to pedastal-like heights
  without offering you a ladder to get there or
get down.
It's a ruining blade...but it's a sign of renewal
rebirth
regrowth
rebuilding
resonating your nemesis
forcing you to feel and be
and neglect and remove
and resound.
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Feb. 18th, 2012

heady

It's the weirdest thing being poly sometimes...

I've always had this fascination of wanting to live on a commune. Not because I'm all psycho, drink-the-kool-aid, crazy, but because I have the weirdest heart.

I tend to love unconditionally and unabashedly when it comes to people. I know that's weird to most people, but I've always found it natural...something that you feel shouldn't be bad, right? So, when I say that I love you or that I miss you, I really do. When you're down on your luck and hurting, and I say that I understand, I do...and want to take it all away because I care. Love pours freely from me like water from a faucet, almost as if I want to fill the world with the love that they're missing.

I know that others feel it too. I had some waitress come up to me in a restaurant and ask if she could be my friend. She seemed...lonely and lost. She's only been in town for 6 months and I felt like she just really needed a friend. I swear, if I could, I would help the world. It's weird having empathy that's so strong...

If I could take care of everyone, I would. Hurt in this life is inevitable...I've accepted that. Loneliness and sadness doesn't have to be.

Nov. 17th, 2011

just me

I've got this feeling...I know it's weird...

But, I know I'm going to leave...I know I have to leave...

I'm looking into studying abroad at Cambridge through ASU. I think I may be able to fill out enough scholarship forms and be diligent enough to get funding...

I swear, every time I think about it, I just want to be gone tomorrow.

I know that I'm probably setting up a huge expectation to fail, but, you know what? I don't care. I want to dream big...I want to go somewhere and do something. I've always wanted to travel the world...I think almost completing my English literature degree at Cambridge is just what I want. My gawd, do I want it so bad. I want to get out of here. Away from the doldrums and the monotony. I HAVE to do this...I MUST do this...

For the first time in a long time, I'm passionate about something that doesn't want to make me breakdown into tears...it's almost euphoric.

Oct. 31st, 2011

just me

Mawwage

I just found out someone I know got married...

...

I have a few thoughts that naggingly persist in my head.

I wonder if I'll ever be that important to someone to hold a grand declaration of love in my honor. My first marriage was anti-climatic at best...ending the day with me filling out insurance paperwork at work and him giving himself a steak meal...

I guess it's always been like that and that, my dear friends, is what therapists term an enabler...no matter how I tell myself I did it out of love, I still neglected my own needs for the sake of another...

Point #2 of persistent nagging thought. Being in school has not only afforded me the luxury of no life, but by not having a job/career that I can earn some decent money at, I feel like school IS my only life. And being an adult surrounded by children makes me feel like I've fallen behind and fucked up my life.

I guess the final feeling is tied into facets of the aforementioned with a feeling of hopelessness that I'll never be where I truly envision my life as being. I have self-efficacy issues time and time again leading to the feeling that my best years to exist and make a difference have passed me by, therefore how could I offer anything to anyone other than mere acquaintance or fuck?

I have tiers and layers and everything relates to everything else. I think that is the reason why I continue with such cognitive dissonance in my life. I can find no solace in encouraging words or thought because everything is so irrevocably intertwined. Is this the pattern of a type A personality or someone angry with what life has dealt her? Do I seek peace with the anger or use it to fuel my ambition? Which is better? Either way, both might lead me to a heartattack or stroke...

Only time will tell...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Oct. 30th, 2011

choke

unhappiness is a warm gun

constant noise
constant chatter
burning...boiling...bleeding
I have such rage
something I can't abide
I feel it flicker
I cannot hide
wanton grief with idle pleasure

sick...

sick...

rocking sick...

I want to curl up
I want to fight against
I'm so confused
I spin around in circles
looking for the exit
but fall to the floor instead

maybe if I sleep, this will all go away
erase from my mind
until the next trigger releases
to blow my head away...
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Oct. 29th, 2011

heady

absence and my heart are mutually acquainted...

Why?
I wish for romance...
I wish to be swept up and away...
to be noticed, adored...
...consumed...ah, to be hungrily consumed...
as such a thing could be!

I think perhaps all these
early-American Romanticism poems and stories
have affected me in such a way that I definitely notice
these things in my life
that are absent...
a void...a void...

my insides are scooped up
cast aside
forgotten
as I'm being put on, my empty shell
for use by everyone else
but me.

Everyone can admonish me...
tell me that I'm searching for an idea that doesn't exist,
or that I'm too selfish in my wanting...
but even in small doses, it existed for me...

In a wink, a caress, a heated moment, a thought lending itself to action...

All things that fade as the mundane and mediocre infiltrate my life...
I feel hollow
I feel missing
I feel...
nothing?

Aug. 7th, 2011

just me

Ringing and ringing...

I got furious today...so much so that I felt like ripping everything around me down to the ground...never has hitting things felt so good...I wanted things to break, I wanted the destruction around to seem much more than the madness flailing chaotically inside my mind. I shouted and bellowed and my heart raced with such intensity, I thought I was going to have a heart attack...

I finally grabbed my iPad and tried to gather my thoughts. My head felt like a giant balloon about to pop and my ears rang with such ferocity, I almost felt utterly crazed and uncontrolled. The tears that dampened my cheeks stung like acid. I flinched. I hate this feeling and all it makes me feel like is running away.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

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Jun. 29th, 2011

choke

I'm almost to the point of being able to write a full thought again...

It's been a long time...my brain needed the decompression from school...but too much shit is building for my head to lie dormant forever...

I'll see you soon...

Jun. 26th, 2011

just me

This weekend

Opened my eyes to darkness that lies within the closest of friends...

Got me back to realizing what I should be and not what I thought I was...

Was amazing and awful in one fell swoop.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Jun. 24th, 2011

just me

Silently brooding

A kiss shouldn't make me cry this much...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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